Contemplation
by f1gymnast
Summary: Porthos still can't understand why Aramis wouldn't leave the monastery to got to war. He has managed to accept it, especially since Aramis has returned, but their relationship is still not what it used to be. He realises his attitude significantly affects Aramis due to an unlikely intervention. Based on a Christmas Carol, well sort of. Set after episode 8 of season 3. No slash.


**Hello. This idea just came to me and I had to write it down. Season 3 did just feel a bit disjointed between the musketeers, especially with Aramis. This I felt most with Porthos and this idea just came to me.**

 **Slightly based on A Christmas Carol but not set at Christmas. Set after Season 3 ep8 but does contain glimpses of later on. (You'll see what I mean.)**

 **Usual stuff about I don't own the Musketeers (unfortunately) and any similarities with other fics is coincidental.**

 **All mistakes are mine and please let me know if there is howler in there. :)**

 **I hope you enjoy it. :)**

* * *

Contemplation

Porthos was annoyed. Well actually it was a mixture of anger, worry and disbelief. They had rescued Aramis from Grimaud's clutches and then found some disgusting propaganda about the Queen. What was really bugging him was that Aramis had asked him to shoot Grimaud and sacrifice his brother in the process! How could Aramis believe that he would do that? Aramis would not do that if the roles were reversed! Would he? Well, Aramis was probably good enough to hit Grimaud alone without needing to shoot through anyone.

Porthos was lying in his bed wondering about the events of the day. Aramis had kept secrets from them again! The Queen's reputation was destroyed in the eyes of the people and Grimaud had escaped, again!

Porthos looked across to the far wall where he knew Aramis was in his room. Constance had purposefully kept those rooms free for when they returned. She seemed to realise that Aramis would return or maybe she just hoped he would. He had knocked and asked Aramis if he was ok through the door and had received a 'Fine' but he didn't believe it. Something stopped him opening the door anyway, like he would have in the past. Aramis was different and Porthos knew he was different as well. They had both said the past was behind them now but Porthos knew that wasn't really true. He still couldn't understand why Aramis had stayed at the monastery when they had called him to battle with them. Porthos had never believed in God and didn't understand Aramis' need to fulfil his vow. He probably never would.

Porthos sighed as his mind was a whir and fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

* * *

'Porthos,' he heard a voice. 'Porthos, my darling,' the voice called again. He hadn't heard that voice since he was a child. A hand stroked his cheek. 'Wake up, sleepyhead,' the voice was warm but it couldn't be...

Porthos opened his eyes to see his mother staring back at him. 'Maman?' he asked looking confused. 'It can't be...'

'Hello, my darling,' she smiled kindly. 'I have watched you grow into the man you are but there is something I must show you...otherwise it could be too late to change it,' she said cryptically.

'I don't know what you mean?' he asked confused. 'Am I going to do something bad?'

'There are things you need to understand,' she said softly as she stroked his cheek again. 'I will always be proud of the man you have become but you can be extremely stubborn.'

'What's this about?' he was confused at the turn of events but he needed to know.

'Let me show you,' she whispered and offered her hand. Bewildered he took her hand and a bright light blinded him.

He found himself stood in the garrison courtyard. Captain Tréville was there but he looked much younger. More like when Porthos first enlisted in the regiment. That's when he saw himself, young, smiling and totally inept with a pistol. The man beside him was the younger Aramis who was laughing loudly at Porthos' attempts to hit the target. Terrible didn't describe it well enough.

Aramis was showing him how to shoot properly. This was his first lesson and where their friendship had begun.

'Why are you showing me this?' Porthos asked as he looked to his mother.

'You remember this?'

'Of course,' Porthos smiled warmly. 'Aramis somehow managed to get me able to shoot properly.'

The scene dissolved and Porthos felt fear grip his heart. The frozen field in Savoy. Porthos watched as he and Athos sifted through the bodies, searching for just one man if truth be told.

Porthos watched his younger self find Aramis and call Athos over. The scene was now at the inn where the doctor told him Aramis couldn't be saved and Porthos slammed the doctor against the wall. Athos tried to calm him but Porthos yelled that he wouldn't give up on his brother.

'I never gave up on him,' he croaked to his mother.

'No,' she smiled sweetly.

The scene dissolved again to Aramis accusing Athos of not caring about Porthos. It switched to Athos' mansion where Aramis was sewing up Porthos' wound and telling D'Artagnan of the other needlework he had performed on Porthos.

It switched again to Alice and Aramis placing his arm around Porthos when Alice had walked away.

'He was always there and then he wasn't,' his voice hardened slightly and his mother watched him quietly.

The next scene didn't involve Porthos but Aramis was there. This had to have been at the convent! The Queen approached Aramis as they discussed their lost children. She made the first move!

'He never told me she made the first move,' Porthos said in disbelief as he watched the scene heighten before ending with them kissing on the bed.

The following scene showed Athos and Aramis the morning after and Porthos couldn't help but chuckle at his brothers' antics. If Athos was ever going to shoot Aramis it would have been then!

The next sequence showed Aramis' desperation to be with his son and the doomed relationship with Marguerite. Porthos sighed as he realised the difficulty Aramis must have felt to keep his emotions within. Aramis had failed and given into them.

The Belgard estate was next and of course, Porthos had asked Aramis to go with him. Aramis was the only choice really.

Porthos was then on his own trying to capture Vargas when the cavalry arrived but he was surprised to find Aramis wasn't among them.

The next sequence showed Aramis on trial and Porthos knew that it would only end one way. Aramis was in his cell. Porthos watched as Aramis turned to God in desperation. How he pleaded for the Queen and his son's life, promising to give up his duty should they be spared.

Their farewell still caused emotion to stick in Porthos' throat. He was starting to understand the emotion and duty that caused Aramis to stay away.

Porthos felt his anger rise slightly as the next scene showed Aramis turning them away at the monastery and Porthos watched himself stalk away from a forlorn Aramis. He could now see that Aramis desperately wanted to re-join his brothers but he would be going back on the vow that he had made just a week earlier. Some vow that would have been.

Porthos watched snippets of the war and how he had cried out for Aramis when he had been injured but found that the marksman wasn't there. He was ashamed of missing his brother but Athos and D'Artagnan were also suffering without their brother.

Aramis was in the monastery praying. Praying for his brothers. Asking every time for the Lord to keep them safe.

'He never forgot you,' she whispered to her son.

'No, he didn't,' Porthos watched as Aramis came under threat and knew their reunion was coming.

He heard himself tell Aramis that they had learned to live without him and Porthos saw the sorrow in Aramis' eyes.

They laughed and joked as they blew up the gunpowder but there was still a distance between them. A distance that had remained.

'How much more?' he croaked to his mother.

'Just a few more,' she replied quietly though no smile was evident.

Porthos watched as he and D'Artagnan were trapped in the building that they thought they would die in as the rubble tumbled over them. Athos finally found them and they informed him Aramis wasn't with them. They watched as Aramis was told he would hang for his treason by King Louis and Porthos realised how close they had all come to dying that day.

Aramis was in Grimaud's hands and Porthos couldn't take the shot. The anger at his brother for asking that of him was overwhelming but were they still brothers?

Porthos found himself back in his own room with his mother beside him.

'I understand now,' he said quietly as he sat on the bed. 'He never managed to live without us or us without him.'

'I know you were angry but you did hurt him,' she said softly.

'Yes, I did,' Porthos admitted. 'But I don't want to lose him again.'

'There is more to show you,' she said quietly and took his hand again.

* * *

They were in the church just down the street from the garrison. It was night and Porthos gave his mother an enquiring look.

Aramis walked through the door and was clearly in bad shape as he hobbled in.

'This is now!' Porthos exclaimed looking at his mother who nodded. 'Aramis!' he called but Aramis couldn't hear him.

'Hello, Father,' Aramis addressed the priest as they sat in the pew opposite Porthos and his mother. The priest gave a knowing smile and Porthos wondered if this scene had happened many times before.

'What is it Aramis?' the priest prodded gently.

'I don't belong here,' Aramis said quietly shocking Porthos completely. 'I wonder if I should have returned to the musketeers.'

'Why?' the priest asked patiently. 'I missed the war and that has changed everything,' Aramis said honestly. 'My brothers are distant and I have kept secrets that I shouldn't have. I wonder whether I should have stayed at the monastery.'

'No!' Porthos heard himself shout in anguish but Aramis didn't stir.

'You left the monastery because you felt God had shown you another path,' the priest said, confirming Porthos' belief that Aramis had sought the priest's council before.

'What if I was wrong?' Aramis asked with a slight break in his voice. 'What if I was meant to stay?'

'You made it clear to me that the Abbot of Douai had already suggested that a life of contemplation wasn't for you,' the priest said calmly.

'I'm completely lost,' Aramis admitted as he ran his fingers through his hair. 'Athos has a regiment to run, D'Artagnan has Constance and Porthos...,' Porthos waited for his friend's judgement, '...will never forgive me for abandoning him and going to the monastery in the first place.'

Porthos felt tears spill from his eyes at his brother's hopelessness. He had never meant to make Aramis feel like that. He was missing the marksman and the marksman was missing him.

'What do you plan on doing next?' the priest asked as Aramis settled after his revelation.

'Grimaud has to be stopped and I will not leave them while he lives,' Aramis stated strongly. 'After that, I honestly don't know. I've never felt this lost before.'

'God will show you the path,' the priest said he squeezed Aramis' shoulder in reassurance. 'Have you spoken to them about how you feel?'

'No. They don't have time to spare while there are so many things happening.' Porthos felt his brother's anguish that he didn't want to trouble them with his feelings. They had always managed to tell each other before. Before the war and the monastery.

'You know, they may feel similarly to you but don't want trouble you with their own problems,' the priest said knowingly. 'Someone has to break the deadlock and I doubt they'd turn you away if you did. From what you have told me, you have all always supported each other. Don't be afraid to tell them the truth.'

'I'll think about it,' Aramis winced as he gently moved his hands to the opposite shoulders.

Porthos realised Aramis was in far more pain than he had let on. No difference there then, but what was different was that Porthos would have seen through it straight away. This time he had not or maybe he had not wanted to.

* * *

Porthos was back in his room and he looked to his mother. 'Why didn't he say anything?' he croaked, his voice thick with emotion.

'Why didn't you see it?' she replied as Porthos felt his stomach drop.

'Because I was too busy bein' angry with him,' he said quietly.

'Just one more,' she said quietly.

'What else can you show me?' he asked as she took his hand again.

'The future,' was all she said as they appeared on a battlefield. Aramis dived in front of Porthos to take a shot and Porthos saw himself watch as Aramis fell. He watched himself carry Aramis into the medial tent and followed himself inside.

Porthos' worst nightmare was now in front of him.

Aramis was lying on a cot with a large and bloodied bandage around his waist. Porthos saw himself sat beside his brother.

 _'I'll be ok,' Aramis gave a weak smile but it was a smile that hid nothing of the lie._

 _'Course you will,' Porthos replied with his own forced smile._

 _Aramis groaned and Porthos quickly gave him some water._

 _'Won't be long now,' Aramis said quietly. 'I had your back this time,' he huffed before falling silent as his eyes closed._

 _'No, Aramis!' Porthos squeezed his brother's hand but there was no response._

Porthos watched the scene in front of him. 'He felt he had to be there for me, didn't he?' he looked to his mother.

'Yes, and if things continue the way they are, this will be the outcome,' she sighed softly.

'I have to tell him how much he means to me,' Porthos said more to himself than his mother.

'I know you will put it right,' she said quietly as she kissed his forehead.

* * *

Porthos jolted awake in bed to find the sun streaming in. What on Earth just happened? Was it even real? He quickly washed and dressed before making his way down to the courtyard.

He spotted Aramis looking rather slumped on the bench with D'Artagnan opposite.

'Morning,' D'Artagnan called but Porthos barely heard him. Aramis had stood and looked as though he was about to leave when Porthos approached and wrapped his arms around the marksman.

'Morning,' came Aramis' muffled response which made Porthos and D'Artagnan smile. A minute or so passed and Porthos still hadn't let go. 'Err...what's this in aid of?' Aramis' voice was still muffled.

Porthos finally let go. 'Letting you know how much you mean to me,' Porthos looked Aramis in the eye. 'I finally understand why you left for the monastery and I've been a right pain in the backside about it.'

'Yep,' D'Artagnan grinned as he ate his breakfast.

'What have I just heard about hugging in the courtyard?' Athos voice came from the balcony above but he was smirking.

'You belong here,' Porthos said with an air of no argument and he was glad to see Aramis' eyes brighten.

'Right, balm for your shoulders,' Constance appeared with a knowing look and offering the balm to Aramis. 'Do you want me to rub it in like I did last night?'

'What? Should I be worried?' D'Artagnan asked playfully while Aramis just raised his eyebrows.

'It's alright. I'll do it,' Porthos took the balm from Constance. 'We got some catchin' up to do.'

* * *

Porthos had the rings ready for his wedding to Elodie. Unfortunately, he would have to leave for the Front soon after. There was a knock at the door.

'Come in,' he called as Aramis looked at him with a smug look.

'You got them then,' he asked as Porthos rolled his eyes and handed over the rings.

'Don't you dare lose them!' Porthos pointed sharply at his brother before they burst into laughter. He did notice Aramis seemed troubled. 'Out with it,' he barked.

'What?'

'Whatever's on your mind,' Porthos was satisfied to see Aramis cave in with a sigh.

'I've decided I'm not going to take the position as First Minister,' he said quietly.

'Why the hell not?!' Porthos said looking shocked.

Aramis continued as if he hadn't heard him. 'I'm going to come to the Front with you,' he stated. Porthos was reminded of the future vision his mother had shown him. He had kept the vision to himself as he wasn't even sure it had been real.

'You don't owe me anything, brother,' Porthos drew Aramis into a hug. 'Go and be with your family. The Queen needs you there and let's be honest...,' Porthos drew away to look Aramis in the eye, '...you don't want some self-righteous ponce bringing up your son. Especially when you can now do it yourself.'

'What if I make a mess of it?' Aramis blurted out.

'You can't do worse than the Cardinal,' Porthos stated flatly as both men laughed. 'Besides, the Queen and your little King need you more than me.'

'I wasn't there when you needed me Porthos,' Aramis mumbled dejectedly.

'I was glad you were away from the fighting as I knew you were safe. The others felt the same. I was seriously worried when we went to the monastery, finding out you had been killed would have killed me inside,' Porthos said quietly. 'Who knows, maybe your prayers did keep us safe?'

'I prayed every day for all of you,' Aramis gave a small smile.

'Just be at the church on time tomorrow, as I have to leave straight after,' Porthos said pointedly.

'Surely not straight after...,' Aramis held a knowing look in his eyes which made Porthos smile.

'Night,' Porthos smirked.

'Goodnight, brother,' Aramis said as he closed the door behind him.

* * *

Porthos was back in Paris after serving at the Front for a few months. For the first time neither Athos, nor Aramis, nor D'Artagnan had been by his side. It had felt strange at first but he had gotten through it with their letters informing him of their lives and he had returned letters of his adventures to them.

He arrived at the palace to give his report to Aramis but that was just an excuse to see his brother. He probably should have gone to Elodie first but the draw of Aramis was too strong. He wandered through the corridors until he asked a servant where he could find the First Minister.

He walked through the door to the gardens and stopped in the doorway. Aramis was playing with the little King. Currently, Aramis was giving his son a piggy-back while the boy laughed loudly at his minister's antics.

Porthos was happy to see Aramis like this and he was glad that he had listened to his mother. Aramis spotted him and beckoned him over. Seeing Aramis happy, made him happy.

* * *

 **A/N: This just occurred to me and wouldn't leave me alone. I found the relationship between Porthos and Aramis rather cold in season 3 and I never felt that they really made up. The idea of looking back on the past, seeing the present and the future came from a Christmas Carol. Aramis not wanting to leave Porthos again was another inspiration.**

 **I hope you liked it and please let me know what you thought. :)**


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